I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
