i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
