you have to choose: penises or morals?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize