hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
