i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
