EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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