I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
