I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
