I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
