I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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