I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize