I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
We left the knife in your bed.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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