my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
