She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
