how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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