I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
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