I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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