He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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