Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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