The maid of honor just puked.
it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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