bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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