Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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