im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
