Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
