ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
