woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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