Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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