It's a beautiful day for a hangover
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Dicks are not precious.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
