Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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