Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
