No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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