I got chris browned last night
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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