Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
