When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
