FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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