Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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