hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
