I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
