Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
