come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
