On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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