I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
