dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just gargled with NyQuil
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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