Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
pop tarts are not kleenex
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
