what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
