Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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