my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
