so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
