Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
we made out on top of his cat.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
