it wasn't lemon gatorade
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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