Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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