yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
