I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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