I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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