Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
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