12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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