Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
