that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
