I cut my penus on the lid.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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